Coached high school rugby for a week and ended up detaining a 9/10 jock for some extra mural activities...

Coached high school rugby for a week and ended up detaining a 9/10 jock for some extra mural activities...

 Returning to my old high school for the first time since my graduation in '08. I am coaching the boys rugby team for a week. Their regular coach whos a friend of mine, is suffering from a mysterious groin injury. Repercussion of the blind date I set him up with last week? Perhaps. We're not called "Cardio Bunnies" for nothing. I offered to fill in for him while he recovers.

I walk towards the field, and see a middle age 2/10 balding teacher glance at me, then stop abruptly and turn his head.

I smile politely and pray that he keeps walking. He doesn't. Instead he pushes his glasses up his nose, pushes his stodgy chest out and walks confidently up to me.

"Hey there, sexy lady." He attempts a growl. I cringe a little. He continues regardless, " How about you let me be your derivative so I could lie tangent to you curves...?"

Ahh, a Math boff. I start walking a bit faster, hoping he gets the message. He continues, a bit out of breath from trying to keep up, "I can figure out the square root of any number in less than 10 seconds. What? You don’t believe me? Well, then, let’s try it with your phone number."

I'm almost sprinting now, leaving him in sweaty pile of polyester. I barely hear his last desperate attempt, "I wish i was your problem set, because then I'd be really hard, and you'd be doing me on the desk." That guy definitely gets an "A"  effort. 

The boys are waiting for me when I get there. All their jaws drop to the floor and they start smirking at each other when I introduce myself. I send them to do run around the field as a warm up. Am I in heaven? 20 nubile, hard bodied "almost men".  I decided then that stretching (preferable shirtless) would form a big part of this weeks training. 

Throughout the week, we made a lot of progress. The boys were extremely eager to please. I could've asked them to strip down to their boxers and do cartwheels across the field and they would've happily obliged. They were all good looking but one stood out.

He had arms the size of my thighs and glistening chocolate skin. He wore far too much axe deodorant, like most high school boys do. But even that mixed with the smell of the exertion of the training, smelled blissful. He in particular, needed lots of hands-on help with the stretching exercises.

It was the end of my final Practice. The boys gave me chocolates and thanked me for being such a good stand-in coach. Asked me to help cover for their regular coach more often. After a lot of laughs and hugs, they left one by one, until surprise, surprise! It was only me and the delicious chocolate God of a man. 

We flirted a bit and established the fact that he had turned 18 the month before. 

I commented casually, "I should go now, everyone's gone home and I have to lock up the change rooms. I have the keys." I dangled the bunch of keys in front him as he looked at me with a naughty glint in his eyes.

5 minutes later we back at the change rooms. That boy did me with the eagerness of the class nerd desperately trying the teacher's attention when she's asked a question. He needed a little bit of instruction, and like a good coach, I guided him through. We finished off with the force of 2000 Durban sports fans screaming when the Sharks score the winning try against the Bulls.

High school boys. No matter how old you get, they always stay deliciously the same.

*end of part 4

Meet BFF on the "cheat day" for cake and end up almost hooking up with a married 8/10 DILF...

Meet BFF on the "cheat day" for cake and end up almost hooking up with a married 8/10 DILF...

Wednesdays I have girl time with BFF, we meet at Gateway and spend the afternoon chatting and indulging with cake. Lots of it. Its our "no gym, cheat day."

Walking towards the coffee shop, a couple walks past me. As soon as the girl sees me, her grip around her boyfriend tightens and she starts staring at me like I stole the last marked down bandage dress, right from under her nose at the YDE naked sale. 

She carries on staring as I walk past, and I ignore it until I hear a loud noise. I whip my head around to see her holding her face, and her boyfriend trying to see how badly she's hurt. The aftermath of her walking into a pillar. 

Haha. Serves her right. I ain't no home wrecker.

30 minutes into the cakefest with BFF, we notice a 8/10 guy with a kid checking us out. He had long, floppy hair, a few days worth of stubble and these giant arms covered with multicolored intricate, tattoo sleeves. When he was leaving, he approached our table, introduced himself and handed me a folded serviette, his eyes never leaving mine. Confidence. I like that shit.

I called him the next day. He invited me over to his apartment, for a "play date" with the cute kid who he said was his nephew. When I arrive, the kid is asleep. We sit down and he serves me a latte and home made scones...made by him. 

Overly impressed with his baking skills. Huge turn on!! I ask what he does for a living.

"I more or less get paid by my sister for looking after my nephew. She's a high powered attorney." Err, hold up... did he just confess to me that he's unemployed?

After about an hour, he kisses me. We start making out with the force of two puppies play wrestling. Now this is the kind of "play date" I like.

The python was just about to come out to play when we hear keys in the door. Then a 85kg woman in a business suit and heels walks in. We all stare at each other in shock and disbelief. "Your sister?", I ask him in a breathless whisper.

"Sister!?!", she shrieks at him. " I work 9-5 to support to jobless ass. I buy you clothes, food and this..." she points at me, "this is how you repay me? Get out. Get out right now!" She charges at him and he runs out the door in fear. She locks the door from the inside. Trapping me.

She goes to their bedroom and bring out armfuls of his clothes, starts ripping them apart with her bare hands. I start to think this chick has gym potential. There's strength behind her anger. Then she stops and starts to sob.

I try to approach this tactfully. "Maybe your life sucks because you are fat. I can help with that.. Here's my card." I handed her the card, put on my shoes, side stepped over the torn clothes and let myself out.

Surprisingly she did call me, and I worked her (at gym) with the force of 500 fat kids pushing and shoving at each other to get to the front of the line at Wakaberry. She might never be an actual cardio bunny but at least she's no longer a hippo.

As for her ex husband, she had him in some kind of lock tight prenup. He left with nothing. I see him sometimes. Standing at a stop street, vacant look in his eyes. His arms, now shriveled up, colorful beanstalks, holding a sign reading: "No job, no money, no gym membership... Please help."

Lesson be learnt: you live by the swole, you die by the swole. 

*end of part 3

Got a swole 10/10 German steroid junky to provide me with 60 minutes intense cardio then kicked him out naked.

Got a swole 10/10 German steroid junky to provide me with 60 minutes intense cardio then kicked him out naked.

I was holidaying last December in Cape Town with my aunt. She has one of these flats in a complex with a sea view right on the beachfront.

One morning, after my aunt went to work, I decided to skip my workout at the complex gym and go for a run instead. I just saw a tour bus offload a few of what looked like German giants, bodies pumped full of steroids. This needed investigating.

Put on my tiniest pair of running shorts, a sports tank and my running shoes. Caught a quick look at myself in the mirror. My reflection agreed. I was ready to go slay a giant. Grabbed my aunts pooch, Gabanna, and I was off.

I noticed 10 minutes into the run, someone following just a little too close. I turn around and see the cutest beagle attached to a middle-age 3/10 in spandex shorts. Both drooling at the sight of me.

"Are you following me", I asked. He replied by falling down, rolling over and begging me to take him home with me. The dog following his lead and did the same. I roll my eyes and walk off. At least the dog was cute.

I reach the spot with the Germans and sit close by. Unleashed Gabana and ordered her to "fetch".

Minutes later she returns safely nestled in the arms of this golden Adonis of a man. "Is thees your puppy?", he said in a deep Arnold Schwarzenegger voice with this thick accent. *Terminate me. Terminate me right now!* I thought. i just smiled and nodded as I leaned back giving him a good view of every inch of my body while I admired his.

Minutes later, we were back at my aunts house. What can I say? Accents turn me on. I let him smash me with the force of 300 Spartans attacking the persian army. That boy worked me like a kid doing math homework, long and hard.

An hour later, I was done. I went to the kitchen, got a protein bar. Whistled to get his attention, unwrapped the bar, lead him to the door and threw it outside. He bounded after it. I slammed the door and latched it. Went to room gathered his clothes and threw it off the balcony. Got to love a guy with more muscles than brain cells.

I didn't see if the found his clothes, I was already in the deepest sleep. After all dogs will be dogs. Woof.

*end of part 2

Hooked up with a 8/10 member of the Swole Patrol and his "python" turned out to be the size of an earthworm just shorter.

Hooked up with a 8/10 member of the Swole Patrol and his "python" turned out to be the size of an earthworm just shorter.

Waking up late on a Saturday morning, going through my whatsapp texts and looking for something, ANYTHING! Interesting and worthy of a reply.

My brother requesting his breakfast... *do I live to serve you?*

20 messages from random guys... *read, don't feel the compulsion to reply* 

My fan club can wait until I simply nothing better to do than have half hearted conversations with them.

And then a message of the best friend (BFF): Gateway @ 11. Brunch  I've got someone for you to meet!  Love ya... 

Hmm, sounds promising. I get out of bed in the shower. Spend 2 minutes getting dressed. 30 minutes applying my make up, 30 minutes GHDing my hair. Finally throwing on highest heels I own, I stand in front on the mirror and admire my work. Take a quick selfie for Instagram, tag it #ootd and I'm off.

I walk into Gateway like strutting like I'm on a catwalk. Notice from behind my Prada shades the masses stopping to turn and stare in admiration at me. A perfume promo dude approaches me and tries to get me sample the scent. I take off my shades, pout my lips and look at him. He faints in a flurry of overexcitedness.

I get to the restaurant and air kiss BFF who introduces me to her cousin. Before me, stands this 1.9m tall, beautiful hulk of a man. I offer my hand to him in greeting. He takes it in his giant hand, that is surprisingly soft and kisses it with his rosebud lips. I share an OMG look with BFF and we happily commence with "brunch".

So I agree to dinner with the cousin later. We chat about our jobs, studies and then the conversation takes an interesting turn. He confesses to me that he writes an infamous blog under an alias. This character that he's created, is based on him of course, and tells the tales of his various sexual conquests. I have read his stories many times. Cleverly written, witty at times but more or less catering for the gutter-minded masses. Oh here's a concept that works, I think, while smiling at him seductively.

So afterwards back at his place, I'm excited to be introduced to "the python" as he refers to it in his blog. In all eagerness, I take a look and expect to be awed. 

What I saw could only be described as a hairy mass of nothingness. I needed a lawn over to plough through all that hair, and even then I would need a microscope.

But not to be a letdown I let him bang me with the force of 1000 pakis descending on Krakatoa on Saturday night. 2 minutes later, I got up and went home. 

*end of part 1*